the "www again" appointment

The What Went Wrong,again, appointment was this morning. About half way there the nerves kicked in and I all of the sudden became extremely sick to my stomach to hear what he had to say. I probably could have used a xanax(usually reserved for the transfer) just for today.
I will condense the 45 minute conversation and just give you the gist. Basically, my gut was right. Although, he can't say for sure, it looks like we are dealing with an egg quality issue. Our embryos on day 2 of fertilization are 2 cells behind what they like to see. He said this is usually a predictor of a chromosome abnormality. Well this is all too familiar, since that was the likely cause of the "miscarriage". By the way, I hate that word. That is a post for another day. Anyway, I agreed to one blood test of an Anti Mullerian hormone (click here for all you researchers) that gives the doctors a good look at how many eggs I have left. He said if this number comes up in the low range he is going to tell us to stop and use donor egg or adoption. We told him we are already pursuing adoption, that the IVF's are just too taxing on us. However, I am going to get this blood work done and maybe it will give us an answer so we can close that door. I am praying the number comes out REALLY low!Dr. B also said that Greg's sperm is not the issue. He doesn't think that the sperm has enough wrong with it to cause all these problems. So here I have thought for years, that it was just morphology and now it really is me. Dr. B said that we can walk out of his office and know that we did everything we could. We have done 2 IVF's in 2 different states and had basically the same outcome. Then we discussed my cycle, or the lack thereof. He did not like what I had to say about my diminishing periods. I've been trying to tell these doctors this for 2 years now and I guess they didn't think it was a problem, maybe now they see that it is.

Fertility treatments are like crack. Not that I would know what crack is like, but they are addicting. I could feel myself getting sucked back in as the RE was talking about the next time. I thought my guard was up and I thought I would go in with a thick skin. I just really want this blood test to have the answer.

After the appointment I met a good friend for coffee. I was giving her the run down, then started to talk about adoption agencies and where we are looking etc. She stopped me and told me that my entire body language changed when I started to talk about adoption. I guess I went from uptight and dreadful to more relaxed and happy. This is the second time someone has commented on how much happier I am now, humm....

"I DO" ALL OVER AGAIN

Seven years ago I vowed to be with Julie for better or worse, sicker or poorer, till death do us part. Life has given us so many amazing things and yet the one true thing we both desire so badly continues to elude us for whatever the reason is. We always find ourselves wanting more and our journey to have our own family is one that we are still working to make a reality.

I know God only gives you as much as you can take and always has a plan for us in this universe. What I don’t know is what he wants from me and if he sees me being a father or even a good one for that matter. I cannot describe to friends and family what it feels like to watch them and how their chapters continue to grow and yet somehow I cannot offer that to my amazing bride of 7 years.

I often wonder if it is my past that for one reason or another haunts our future and maybe this is the reason why God has decided we cannot be parents or have our “own” little miracle. If I could give everything up…my job…my possessions...my health, just to make her dreams…our dreams come true.

Every husband wants to gives his wife everything she has wanted in life….in my case I have only fill the pages of the first few chapters….I pray at night when I go to sleep I can continue to write pages in this book we call life. My heart aches and my head wonders, will this be the year that Julie and I can share the most spectacular part of life? Who knows…the one thing I do know I love her with all my life and she has made me the most amazing person I could ever dreamed to be, when all others gave up on me, she was there….when I doubted myself and did’t think I could my best, she pushed me on more….when I found myself just accepting whatever comes, she tells me to strive for more.

Julie….thank you for saying, “YES” that night in New York and THANK YOU for being the most memorable, spectacular, loving, amazing part of my life. I hope one day, I can fulfill your every dream and until that day comes I will never give up trying.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY
Love Forever
Your Husband
Greg

lucky 7

Seven years ago on June 16th Greg and I were married in a little white church on Ft. Belvoir Army Post. It rained that day. However, it didn't stop us from having the best day of our lives. Who knew back then that seven years down the road we would be here. Each year in our anniversary cards we write the same thing to each other. We both say we hope that this will be the year that we build our family. For once, I feel like this really could be the year. Lucky 7? We'll see!

friend to an infertile

The following link was posted on the RESOLVE board. It is a very good read for all of you that have put up with me in my darkest hours of infertility. A lot of you took on the job of Good Friend to an Infertile and I love you for it, because GOD knows I was not always the most chipper!

Good Friend to an Infertile

it's official

It's official we are going to ADOPT!!! I just realized I had not come out and said it here on the blog. Greg and I have one more follow up with our RE next Thursday. Basically, just to hear somewhat of an answer or diagnosis. In my heart, I think I know that there is an egg quality issue, which is probably compounded with an egg producing issue also. We plan on telling our wonderful RE thank you and when we leave his office know that we won't ever be going back! Greg and I are exploring both domestic independent and agency adoptions. My gut tells me to sign on with an agency and network ourselves independently in the meantime. I am very excited to put all the drugs and procedures behind me and start a new journey where there is actually a light at the end of the tunnel!

infertility stamp

Thanks to Portugal, this is the world's first stamp to raise awareness of infertility. I loved the design, so I thought I would share.

just what the doctor ordered

I spent the weekend in Mountain Home, Idaho. Our great friends, Laurie and Keith are stationed there. Their son, Dustin graduated from high school Friday night. I needed to get away and most needed to see people who know and love us. Lately, I have been thinking about how a birthmother is going to view Greg and I. Most of you know we don't have a relationship with Greg's family. When it comes to adoption, this really worries me. However, being with Laurie and Keith and their children this weekend, just reinforced that our friends are our family. We jokingly call Dustin our godson (long story), but I truly felt like he was part of our family this weekend watching him close a chapter in his life. I hope that a birthmother will see the importance of our friends in our life.

Laurie, Keith, Dustin (you probably don't read this) and Danielle....thank you for a great, much needed, weekend. Every time I see you guys, no matter what the outside of your house looks like, the inside is always the same..it's filled with love, laughter, great food and stuff :)