roses are red

This day last year I was painting Cormick's nursery. Our friends were helping me because Greg was in Afghanistan. Right as we were about to pull the tape off and start cleaning up the phone rang. It was my Mom to tell me my Dad had passed away. One of the most exciting days of my life turned out to be the worst. I spend everyday thinking about my Dad and how I want him here to see Cormick grow. I thought I would share the words I wrote for his funeral. It is so hard to whip something profound up in a day or so when you are emotionally wrecked, but these were my thoughts at that time.

I always knew growing up that my dad was something special. I didn’t realize, what a name he had made for himself until I got older and would run into people who would say,” You’re Joe Mills’ daughter!” “Oh I loved Joe or your Dad used to beat me up when we were younger!” My Dad is a part of a lot of people’s memories, but it is my memories with him that I will cherish forever. Of course when I was younger he was on the sidelines at all my soccer and field hockey games, making sure the neighborhood boys didn’t venture upstairs to “no man’s land”, and convincing me that the biggest party school in Virginia was where I needed to get my degree! But it was the times we spent alone with each other that are my greatest memories. Our annual trip to the Christmas tree farm when we would listen to Buddy Holly and sing every word to every song! On Sundays, kicked back in the recliners watching football, checking our fantasy scores while Mom would bring us snacks. Visiting every single model home in the city of Albuquerque in search of his perfect retirement home. We went so many times all the sales people knew us by name! I was with Dad the day he found out Poncho was not a boy! How devastated he was that he continued to be surrounded by girls. I learned through my Dad that the sounds and lights of a slot machine can bring you many hours of fun. I can’t tell you how many hours we sat waiting to win the brand new F-150! We have shared many more special times together and as we say goodbye to my dad today I think of all the things I am going to miss.
I will miss my yearly Roses are Red , Violets are Blue personalized poem in my birthday card. I will miss him daring me $20 to do something stupid. I will miss our daily political talks. I will miss being his personal shopper for Mom’s gifts. I will miss having him on the line while I draft my fantasy team. I will miss him complaining that Greg doesn’t own enough tools. I will miss the excessive use of baby powder. I will miss him spoiling my dogs. I will miss having him to call when I need advice. I am so sad that he won’t be here to hold his grandson in January. But I have no regrets, because I told my Dad every single day that I loved him and that I missed him. I am Daddy’s Little Girl through and through and even though some might say we needed to cut the umbilical cord ..… he was my best friend and partner in crime and I can’t imagine life without him.

joy

I thought I would share some great news! Our good friends in Ohio just took placement of a baby girl today! They started their adoption journey three years ago! Last week they met with a birthmother and today they have a gorgeous new addition to their family. Again, we see the miracle of adoption! I had already booked a trip to Ohio for a girls weekend and now I get to celebrate this blessing! Perfect timing. My heart is just overflowing with joy!Congrats, Jenny and Bill!

october 9th

Today is the anniversary of our first baby's passing. It's been four years since that horrible horrible day when we found out our baby's heart stopped beating. I thought I would never recover from that loss. But today, four years later, I was actually able to enjoy the day with friends and get this...go to a baby shower! Wow...progress! I'll never forget this day or that time in our life. My hope now is that our little angel is with my Dad. He couldn't be here to meet our son, but I hope he is being the best Grandaddy to our little one in heaven!

forever changed

Isn't funny how your life can change in an instant? One year ago today I received an email that would change my life forever. I was sitting at home alone in Ohio as Greg was in Afghanistan. I opened my email to find a message from our agency. They forwarded me an email from a birthmom instead of replying back to her on their own, they wanted me to read it because she had spent so much time and effort writing it. I sat on the couch balling my eyes out while I read her words. Shaking, I called everyone I knew and of course no one was home! It was early in the morning in Afghanistan so Greg would be the last to hear! I remember thinking it was the most beautiful words I had ever read. After contacting my agency, I emailed the birthcouple and the rest is history. As Cormick's birthmom said to me yesterday," It all turned out just the way God wanted it to."

goodnight seattle

So many times, on this blog, I have said how blessed we are. In June, we flew to Seattle so Greg could meet Cormick's birthmother and her family. It was so important to us, that Greg meet them in person since he was gone when Cormick was born. The visit was wonderful yet emotional. As an adoptive mom, I struggle with many different feelings when it comes to Cormick. I feel a very strong sense of responsibility towards Cormick's birthparents. My main purpose in life now is to be the best mother to Cormick that I can be. Not just for our family but for his birthfamily also. I wanted his birthmother to see that we love this little boy more than anything. His birthfather was not up to visiting with us, but I hope he knows too how loved Cormick is. Whether it is now or years from now, my wish is that they can be at peace knowing they made the right decision by choosing us.
Cormick is not only loved by us, but he has a birthfamily that loves him too. When we said goodbye to them I cried all the way back to the hotel. In some sense, I feel like we have taken him from them. I know that his birthparents chose adoption, but I still was so sad. His birthgrandma gave him this book. I had our photographer take some pictures with it for them. Is he gorgeous or what? After all our struggles to become a family, we have been so richly blessed by this miracle! It was so worth it!

god found us you

Well I have been a horrible blogger! Since my last post we have moved to Virginia and Greg is settling into his job at the Pentagon. I am settling in to being back home, not as a visitor, but as a resident for a while. Life as a stay at home mom is more than wonderful. I love spending my time with our gorgeous son. I wouldn't want it any other way. I waited six years for this blessing and I cherish every waking moment with him!
I can't believe he is 8 months this week. Our friend came and shot some great photos last week. If you have adopted and don't have this book, you have to get it! I believe that GOD did find us Cormick. When it was the right time, he brought Cormick's birthmother into our lives.
This picture brings tears to my eyes just like the book makes me cry every time I read it to him!

Project IF

What IF we had explored embryo donation? Would I have gotten pregnant and carried a child to term? What IF we never pursued adoption?

When I had to think of a What IF question about infertility it was harder than I thought it would be. It’s been 2 years since we did out last treatment so all my fears and questions about whether I would ever be a mom have faded. The only thing I ask myself some days is what IF we had explored embryo adoption? Would it have worked? IF I had become pregnant again, even with a donor embryo, would the baby have grown or would I have lost it again? These questions don’t really haunt me, they are just fleeting thoughts. The only reason they don’t haunt me is because I have been blessed by adoption. Through all our treatments and days and years of crying thinking I would never get pregnant, I knew we would be parents. Greg promised me that no matter what, we would raise a child together.

Now, my what IF’s are more about Cormick. What IF our first baby survived and I gave birth? I know now that I would not have this new love of my life. Our path to parenthood would not have led us to adoption. Cormick’s birthparents would never have had our profile to choose from. When you go through a loss you know it is happening for some reason. Our reason is sleeping soundly right now in his swing.

The desire to be pregnant has left me. I look back now at all the tears shed about having a growing belly, cute maternity clothes and a child that looks like us. I know in those moments that is what was important to me. Now I have a child that looks nothing like Greg and I. When I look at him, I see his birthparents. His birthmother’s dark hair and full lips and his birthfather’s charming stares. When he smiles and laughs, I think of his birthmother and her outgoing personality. He is gorgeous in our eyes and when I hold him it doesn’t matter that he doesn’t have Greg’s curly locks!

So many of my girlfriends are still waiting to be matched with their perfect birthmother. I’m sure they think everyday What IF we never get picked? I can remember those days, as the weeks, months and years go on you start to think no one will ever choose you. My wish for them is that they keep the hope and faith alive. Adoption is a matter of time, not a matter of chance. As long as you stick with it, you will become a mother. I want them to be able to change their What IF’s to… What IF I had never pursued adoption... would I have the child that was meant for me?


This post is a part of Project IF and in celebration of National Infertility Awareness Week. Please visit RESOLVE to learn more about infertility. If you wish to read all the emotional What IF’s posted click here.