What IF we had explored embryo donation? Would I have gotten pregnant and carried a child to term? What IF we never pursued adoption?
When I had to think of a What IF question about infertility it was harder than I thought it would be. It’s been 2 years since we did out last treatment so all my fears and questions about whether I would ever be a mom have faded. The only thing I ask myself some days is what IF we had explored embryo adoption? Would it have worked? IF I had become pregnant again, even with a donor embryo, would the baby have grown or would I have lost it again? These questions don’t really haunt me, they are just fleeting thoughts. The only reason they don’t haunt me is because I have been blessed by adoption. Through all our treatments and days and years of crying thinking I would never get pregnant, I knew we would be parents. Greg promised me that no matter what, we would raise a child together.
Now, my what IF’s are more about Cormick. What IF our first baby survived and I gave birth? I know now that I would not have this new love of my life. Our path to parenthood would not have led us to adoption. Cormick’s birthparents would never have had our profile to choose from. When you go through a loss you know it is happening for some reason. Our reason is sleeping soundly right now in his swing.
The desire to be pregnant has left me. I look back now at all the tears shed about having a growing belly, cute maternity clothes and a child that looks like us. I know in those moments that is what was important to me. Now I have a child that looks nothing like Greg and I. When I look at him, I see his birthparents. His birthmother’s dark hair and full lips and his birthfather’s charming stares. When he smiles and laughs, I think of his birthmother and her outgoing personality. He is gorgeous in our eyes and when I hold him it doesn’t matter that he doesn’t have Greg’s curly locks!
So many of my girlfriends are still waiting to be matched with their perfect birthmother. I’m sure they think everyday What IF we never get picked? I can remember those days, as the weeks, months and years go on you start to think no one will ever choose you. My wish for them is that they keep the hope and faith alive. Adoption is a matter of time, not a matter of chance. As long as you stick with it, you will become a mother. I want them to be able to change their What IF’s to… What IF I had never pursued adoption... would I have the child that was meant for me?
This post is a part of Project IF and in celebration of National Infertility Awareness Week. Please visit RESOLVE to learn more about infertility. If you wish to read all the emotional What IF’s posted click here.