Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Project IF

What IF we had explored embryo donation? Would I have gotten pregnant and carried a child to term? What IF we never pursued adoption?

When I had to think of a What IF question about infertility it was harder than I thought it would be. It’s been 2 years since we did out last treatment so all my fears and questions about whether I would ever be a mom have faded. The only thing I ask myself some days is what IF we had explored embryo adoption? Would it have worked? IF I had become pregnant again, even with a donor embryo, would the baby have grown or would I have lost it again? These questions don’t really haunt me, they are just fleeting thoughts. The only reason they don’t haunt me is because I have been blessed by adoption. Through all our treatments and days and years of crying thinking I would never get pregnant, I knew we would be parents. Greg promised me that no matter what, we would raise a child together.

Now, my what IF’s are more about Cormick. What IF our first baby survived and I gave birth? I know now that I would not have this new love of my life. Our path to parenthood would not have led us to adoption. Cormick’s birthparents would never have had our profile to choose from. When you go through a loss you know it is happening for some reason. Our reason is sleeping soundly right now in his swing.

The desire to be pregnant has left me. I look back now at all the tears shed about having a growing belly, cute maternity clothes and a child that looks like us. I know in those moments that is what was important to me. Now I have a child that looks nothing like Greg and I. When I look at him, I see his birthparents. His birthmother’s dark hair and full lips and his birthfather’s charming stares. When he smiles and laughs, I think of his birthmother and her outgoing personality. He is gorgeous in our eyes and when I hold him it doesn’t matter that he doesn’t have Greg’s curly locks!

So many of my girlfriends are still waiting to be matched with their perfect birthmother. I’m sure they think everyday What IF we never get picked? I can remember those days, as the weeks, months and years go on you start to think no one will ever choose you. My wish for them is that they keep the hope and faith alive. Adoption is a matter of time, not a matter of chance. As long as you stick with it, you will become a mother. I want them to be able to change their What IF’s to… What IF I had never pursued adoption... would I have the child that was meant for me?

This post is a part of Project IF and in celebration of National Infertility Awareness Week. Please visit RESOLVE to learn more about infertility. If you wish to read all the emotional What IF’s posted click here.


Piccinigirl said...

Julie this is my first time on your blog , I came through the WAHT IF project.

I love this post, I love that even in the midst of looking at your son, you see the other What Ifs, that there will ALWAYS be what ifs.

I am glad that your journey brought you to your son, that your dream came true, even if it wasn't exactly the way you expected.

thanks for sharing. :)

Jamie said...

i love this project and like i said on f/b....i thought about this all day and finally i realized this was my "what if".
"what if I HAD gotten pregnant and not miscarried ~ i'd be missing out on the biggest blessing in my son through the miracle of adoption.". I'm so thankful that he is my son and although i wish i had been able to give birth to him, he would not be "him" if he had come through me. :)
thanks so much for sharing your thoughts julie ~ :)

Rachel's Mommy said...

What a beautiful true..."What If?". I remember when Rachel become our all made sense...the heartache, losses, and even the time it took to get "there" made so much sense:)...I have read about many people not believing in "meant to be", but I do. This amazing child, who looks so much like the beautiful, unselfish woman who chose us and made our parenting dreams come true, was meant to be our daughter and we could not be happier:)...Lori (resolve bb)