the inquiry

Wow. Amazing. Courageous. Beautiful. All words to describe the letter we received from a birthmom! There are so many more adjectives, I could go on and on. Yesterday, our agency forwarded an inquiry that came through from our online profile. It was written by a 24 year old who is 20 and 1/2 weeks pregnant. I literally could not get through the letter because tears were streaming down my face. I kept thinking, someone this great is actually writing this to us?! In a nutshell, she and the birth father have chosen adoption because they cannot provide some of the things they want for their child. They live on the opposite side of the country from us and not even in the same state as our agency. Today I composed a short email and sent it to them. I pray they write us back and I pray that if this is the child meant for us, then they will know. Greg and I were able to talk over the computer last night and both agreed that we couldn't ask for better birthparents.
Ladybugs are believed to be good luck in the adoption community. It was once noted that a swarm of referrals for Chinese adoptions happened right after a ladybug infestation in our nation. Today I remembered that a ladybug landed on my car window this week when I was leaving school. I paused and prayed that meant something. A day or two later, we get this inquiry.

a year later

Today I registered for our baby! One year after mailing our adoption application off I finally have allowed myself to prepare for a child. Let me first say that there is no way I could have done that without Jenn with me. I really don't even think Greg and I would have done that on our own. Jenn understands how weird it is to walk into a baby store when for so long you didn't belong there. I braced myself for the "when are you due" question. Got that question knocked out of the way as soon as we sat down! I told the lady we were adopting and checked it on the form. She still typed it in wrong and they would only let me put a date out 9 months. WTF? Seriously, I just sometimes wish our society would realize that it takes some people longer than 9 months to have a child! Urg!!! Other than those two annoying things, it was a good experience. Oh lots of people staring at my belly! I was secretly loving the fact that mine is flat! haha
Of course I had no idea what I needed, what was good, and what I did not need! Again, Jenn was so helpful in that department. I left off the furniture so Greg and I can pick that out together (even though I already know what I want). I don't think I will send the registry out to people. It's mostly for us to know what we need and if we get a call and have to move quickly than someone else can go grab the stuff for us.
Even though it feels incredibly weird and surreal, I am so proud of myself!

my permission

I just returned from VA to OH this weekend. Back to my own house that is completely empty now. No house guests, no dogs and no husband. Lots of quiet time for me to spend by myself! Which I like, but don't like that much! The summer vacation was a nice break, always good to see family and friends. However, each time I go back, it is just a realization that every one's life moves on and progresses as my life stands still. We continue to wait and wait and wait to start the next chapter of our lives. I literally know or know of 14 people pregnant right now (and yes I have been keeping a total)! It is still devastating to me. I don't think it is because I want to be pregnant, because I really don't anymore, my heart is with our adoption. I think what bothers me , besides the fact that it is so easy for others, is that they are experiencing something that I got to start to experience until it was taken from me.
I went to church with my best friend after hearing the news of the 14Th person. The message was on suffering (how appropriate, right?). I completely balled my eyes out for the last ten minutes or so. I am just so sick and tired of feeling sorry for Greg and myself. It really was an awakening for me. Right then and there I gave myself permission to act and feel like we are expecting a child. No I don't have the belly to show for it, but I have been at this way longer than 9 months! Greg and I cried over Instant Messenger and he finally let go of his " don't buy anything, you will jinx us" stage and told me I was right!
I'm not sure of my feelings towards other people's pregnancies will change? I think I might always feel like I have been punched in the gut each time I hear the news. But I do know that I have every right to walk into a baby store and act like an expecting mom even if I'm not in maternity clothes!