my permission

I just returned from VA to OH this weekend. Back to my own house that is completely empty now. No house guests, no dogs and no husband. Lots of quiet time for me to spend by myself! Which I like, but don't like that much! The summer vacation was a nice break, always good to see family and friends. However, each time I go back, it is just a realization that every one's life moves on and progresses as my life stands still. We continue to wait and wait and wait to start the next chapter of our lives. I literally know or know of 14 people pregnant right now (and yes I have been keeping a total)! It is still devastating to me. I don't think it is because I want to be pregnant, because I really don't anymore, my heart is with our adoption. I think what bothers me , besides the fact that it is so easy for others, is that they are experiencing something that I got to start to experience until it was taken from me.
I went to church with my best friend after hearing the news of the 14Th person. The message was on suffering (how appropriate, right?). I completely balled my eyes out for the last ten minutes or so. I am just so sick and tired of feeling sorry for Greg and myself. It really was an awakening for me. Right then and there I gave myself permission to act and feel like we are expecting a child. No I don't have the belly to show for it, but I have been at this way longer than 9 months! Greg and I cried over Instant Messenger and he finally let go of his " don't buy anything, you will jinx us" stage and told me I was right!
I'm not sure of my feelings towards other people's pregnancies will change? I think I might always feel like I have been punched in the gut each time I hear the news. But I do know that I have every right to walk into a baby store and act like an expecting mom even if I'm not in maternity clothes!