Monday, August 10, 2009

my permission

I just returned from VA to OH this weekend. Back to my own house that is completely empty now. No house guests, no dogs and no husband. Lots of quiet time for me to spend by myself! Which I like, but don't like that much! The summer vacation was a nice break, always good to see family and friends. However, each time I go back, it is just a realization that every one's life moves on and progresses as my life stands still. We continue to wait and wait and wait to start the next chapter of our lives. I literally know or know of 14 people pregnant right now (and yes I have been keeping a total)! It is still devastating to me. I don't think it is because I want to be pregnant, because I really don't anymore, my heart is with our adoption. I think what bothers me , besides the fact that it is so easy for others, is that they are experiencing something that I got to start to experience until it was taken from me.
I went to church with my best friend after hearing the news of the 14Th person. The message was on suffering (how appropriate, right?). I completely balled my eyes out for the last ten minutes or so. I am just so sick and tired of feeling sorry for Greg and myself. It really was an awakening for me. Right then and there I gave myself permission to act and feel like we are expecting a child. No I don't have the belly to show for it, but I have been at this way longer than 9 months! Greg and I cried over Instant Messenger and he finally let go of his " don't buy anything, you will jinx us" stage and told me I was right!
I'm not sure of my feelings towards other people's pregnancies will change? I think I might always feel like I have been punched in the gut each time I hear the news. But I do know that I have every right to walk into a baby store and act like an expecting mom even if I'm not in maternity clothes!


Jamie said...

julie :)
i'm so glad you've given yourself permission to move forward with the parts that you CAN control. :)

I thought that all of my feelings of "pregnancy jealousy" (not sure those are the right words, but...) would go away after we adopted.....and many have, but I've found out lately that it still feels like a punch in the gut.....especially when the news comes from those close to you that you see often. :)i'm experiencing a little of those feelings today and sometimes i'm just not sure how to process it all.....

anyway.....i'm always here for you. :) and i can't wait to see some of the items that you decide to purchase! :)

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry that you are feeling down but I'm happy to see that you have given yourself permission to move forward.

I'm somewhat in the same position as you are (I came to a stand still as soon as I started) and it does hurt to see others become pregnant and sometimes even adopt. It's not because of any harsh feelings but because I feel left behind. It's a normal feeling and please know that you are not alone.

I just remind myself that babies are blessings and someday that blessing will be mine (and yours)!!! Have fun shopping.

G & H said...

every one's life moves on and progresses as my life stands still."

I totally feel that! All the time and just wonder when we will mvoe forward! Hang in there girl you are not alone!

Devon said...

good for you!

Courtney said...

Good for you, Julie! You shouldn't deny yourself those feelings of expecting something. This will happen for you and Greg. I know the realization that you have made is a big one and others who are expecting an adoption will really appreciate you articulating this.