the "www again" appointment

The What Went Wrong,again, appointment was this morning. About half way there the nerves kicked in and I all of the sudden became extremely sick to my stomach to hear what he had to say. I probably could have used a xanax(usually reserved for the transfer) just for today.
I will condense the 45 minute conversation and just give you the gist. Basically, my gut was right. Although, he can't say for sure, it looks like we are dealing with an egg quality issue. Our embryos on day 2 of fertilization are 2 cells behind what they like to see. He said this is usually a predictor of a chromosome abnormality. Well this is all too familiar, since that was the likely cause of the "miscarriage". By the way, I hate that word. That is a post for another day. Anyway, I agreed to one blood test of an Anti Mullerian hormone (click here for all you researchers) that gives the doctors a good look at how many eggs I have left. He said if this number comes up in the low range he is going to tell us to stop and use donor egg or adoption. We told him we are already pursuing adoption, that the IVF's are just too taxing on us. However, I am going to get this blood work done and maybe it will give us an answer so we can close that door. I am praying the number comes out REALLY low!Dr. B also said that Greg's sperm is not the issue. He doesn't think that the sperm has enough wrong with it to cause all these problems. So here I have thought for years, that it was just morphology and now it really is me. Dr. B said that we can walk out of his office and know that we did everything we could. We have done 2 IVF's in 2 different states and had basically the same outcome. Then we discussed my cycle, or the lack thereof. He did not like what I had to say about my diminishing periods. I've been trying to tell these doctors this for 2 years now and I guess they didn't think it was a problem, maybe now they see that it is.

Fertility treatments are like crack. Not that I would know what crack is like, but they are addicting. I could feel myself getting sucked back in as the RE was talking about the next time. I thought my guard was up and I thought I would go in with a thick skin. I just really want this blood test to have the answer.

After the appointment I met a good friend for coffee. I was giving her the run down, then started to talk about adoption agencies and where we are looking etc. She stopped me and told me that my entire body language changed when I started to talk about adoption. I guess I went from uptight and dreadful to more relaxed and happy. This is the second time someone has commented on how much happier I am now, humm....