introducing...

Cormick Fitzpatrick born on December 8, 2009. Our Christmas miracle! He made a surprise early arrival, but we are convinced my Dad is behind this all! And my grandmother since he was born on her favorite number 8. When I have more time I will sit and write out Cormick's story. This little guy is so loved by his birthfamily and his adoptive family. I hope that this will help him grow to be a strong and secure individual!

showered with love

When I would think about losing my Dad, it was unimaginable to me. I thought I would never survive the loss. I would pray to God not to take him from me because I knew I couldn't handle it, and I know God doesn't give you more than you can handle. So surely, I wouldn't lose him. If it wasn't for this baby, this amazing birthcouple and all our family and friends, I probably wouldn't have been able to function this past month.
In the past two weeks, we have been "showered" with love. Our friends and family threw me two wonderful baby showers. One in Virginia and one in Ohio. This little miracle is so loved by so many people. He already lights up my life. I can't tell you how much the joy of adoption has helped me in grieving my Dad. I am amazed everyday at how blessed we are to be apart of this incredible experience.

daddy's girl

I lost my Daddy yesterday. The one and only thing I wanted more than a child was to have him here as I became a Mom. As I type Greg is on his way from Afghanistan. I don't have much to say other than I lost my best friend.

adoption group

I've been thinking a lot lately about our time here in Ohio and how much I did not want to move to the Midwest! Once again, I obviously am not the one in control. God knew exactly where Greg and I needed to be at that time in our lives. It's here where I have found the support and friendships that will last a lifetime. Here is a picture of the girls from RESOLVE that have chosen adoption as the path to build their families. We do lots outside of RESOLVE together, but this picture was from our monthly Adoption Group dinner. Our time in Ohio is getting shorter. We will have to move on to our next duty station in the summer. I am so grateful that they will get to share in our joy when we finally become a family, but how am I ever going to be able to leave? If any of you RESOLVE ladies are reading this, I hope you know how much I love and appreciate your support!

three years later

It has been three years today since we learned our baby had passed. They say time heals all wounds. I wouldn't say our wound is healed, but time has made the pain easier to handle. I do believe all things happen for a reason. I've never been able, until now, to understand the reason for our loss. Now I know if it wasn't for our baby, we would not be adopting and in the midst of a wonderful journey. Though we grieve the loss of our biological child, we are thrilled to be awaiting the arrival of the child that is meant to be with us!

our perfect match

Our perfect match has found us! My trip to visit the birth couple was absolutely amazing. I only wish Greg could have been there to meet them in person. I've become so attached that it was very hard for me to leave them. They do have a very good support system, I just felt horrible that I had to go back home. I can’t express how thankful I am that I will actually be able to tell our child that I knew his birthparents. I will be able to tell him exactly what they are like and how much they love him. This entire experience has been a lesson to me in trusting God and knowing that he is the one in control. I know that there is a plan for all of us, but now I am actually able to see it unfold and truly believe it. For all those years of heartache, these feelings we are having are totally worth it! My only struggle now is wondering how I will ever be able to thank them enough for making me a mother and Greg a father. In January, our dream of becoming parents and raising a child together will come true!

published

Our infertility story has been published in this wonderful book, "The Waiting Room" by Kalle Fletcher. She is a fellow RESOLVE member who compiled a collection of women's stories and wrote this amazing book! We are fortunate enough to be included. My copy arrived today! Even our angel baby is remembered on the page with all the others. There is a quote at the beginning of the book, that struck me. I wish I had heard it earlier on in our journey, because boy does it ring true today!
" We must be willing to get rid of the life's we've planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

half way

A recent photo of Greg. We are almost half way through this deployment! Thanks for all the prayers. He is working hard and counting the days until he comes home!

blessed

What a crazy awesome two weeks it has been. The Inquiry has now turned into a plane trip across the country to meet this incredible couple! We have spent the past two weeks emailing back and forth. Greg has also been able to email them from overseas. I was beyond nervous to tell them that he was deployed. Probably the most nervous I have ever been in my entire life. It is a part of our life, but I didn't want it to change their opinions of us and think that he would be an absent father. It was a huge relief when they wrote back to tell us that it did not change their opinions and that they respected his service to our country. PHEW! I can't explain the connection we feel to this couple. They way she describes the birthfather is the way I would describe Greg and their outlook on life and life's circumstances are so similar to us. My friend is going to stand in for Greg and in two weeks we will leave to go meet them! I feel completely and utterly blessed right now. It's a feeling I haven't felt in many years.

the inquiry

Wow. Amazing. Courageous. Beautiful. All words to describe the letter we received from a birthmom! There are so many more adjectives, I could go on and on. Yesterday, our agency forwarded an inquiry that came through from our online profile. It was written by a 24 year old who is 20 and 1/2 weeks pregnant. I literally could not get through the letter because tears were streaming down my face. I kept thinking, someone this great is actually writing this to us?! In a nutshell, she and the birth father have chosen adoption because they cannot provide some of the things they want for their child. They live on the opposite side of the country from us and not even in the same state as our agency. Today I composed a short email and sent it to them. I pray they write us back and I pray that if this is the child meant for us, then they will know. Greg and I were able to talk over the computer last night and both agreed that we couldn't ask for better birthparents.
Ladybugs are believed to be good luck in the adoption community. It was once noted that a swarm of referrals for Chinese adoptions happened right after a ladybug infestation in our nation. Today I remembered that a ladybug landed on my car window this week when I was leaving school. I paused and prayed that meant something. A day or two later, we get this inquiry.

a year later

Today I registered for our baby! One year after mailing our adoption application off I finally have allowed myself to prepare for a child. Let me first say that there is no way I could have done that without Jenn with me. I really don't even think Greg and I would have done that on our own. Jenn understands how weird it is to walk into a baby store when for so long you didn't belong there. I braced myself for the "when are you due" question. Got that question knocked out of the way as soon as we sat down! I told the lady we were adopting and checked it on the form. She still typed it in wrong and they would only let me put a date out 9 months. WTF? Seriously, I just sometimes wish our society would realize that it takes some people longer than 9 months to have a child! Urg!!! Other than those two annoying things, it was a good experience. Oh lots of people staring at my belly! I was secretly loving the fact that mine is flat! haha
Of course I had no idea what I needed, what was good, and what I did not need! Again, Jenn was so helpful in that department. I left off the furniture so Greg and I can pick that out together (even though I already know what I want). I don't think I will send the registry out to people. It's mostly for us to know what we need and if we get a call and have to move quickly than someone else can go grab the stuff for us.
Even though it feels incredibly weird and surreal, I am so proud of myself!

my permission

I just returned from VA to OH this weekend. Back to my own house that is completely empty now. No house guests, no dogs and no husband. Lots of quiet time for me to spend by myself! Which I like, but don't like that much! The summer vacation was a nice break, always good to see family and friends. However, each time I go back, it is just a realization that every one's life moves on and progresses as my life stands still. We continue to wait and wait and wait to start the next chapter of our lives. I literally know or know of 14 people pregnant right now (and yes I have been keeping a total)! It is still devastating to me. I don't think it is because I want to be pregnant, because I really don't anymore, my heart is with our adoption. I think what bothers me , besides the fact that it is so easy for others, is that they are experiencing something that I got to start to experience until it was taken from me.
I went to church with my best friend after hearing the news of the 14Th person. The message was on suffering (how appropriate, right?). I completely balled my eyes out for the last ten minutes or so. I am just so sick and tired of feeling sorry for Greg and myself. It really was an awakening for me. Right then and there I gave myself permission to act and feel like we are expecting a child. No I don't have the belly to show for it, but I have been at this way longer than 9 months! Greg and I cried over Instant Messenger and he finally let go of his " don't buy anything, you will jinx us" stage and told me I was right!
I'm not sure of my feelings towards other people's pregnancies will change? I think I might always feel like I have been punched in the gut each time I hear the news. But I do know that I have every right to walk into a baby store and act like an expecting mom even if I'm not in maternity clothes!

1 down...5 to go!

Thought some of you might enjoy a recent photo of Greg at work in Afghanistan! Five more months, right now it seems like forever!

hearts apart...again

Here we go again! Greg left Monday for his 5th deployment in 7 years. We have been married 8 years! At this moment he is still en route to his final destination in Afghanistan. Our adoption is an semi-hold right now. My prayer is that we will be matched while he is away and placed before we move next summer. I'm thinking I MIGHT allow myself to prepare some for a baby while he is away (might is the key word)! I'll keep you posted on how I do with that topic!

advocates

On June 25th, a few girls from my RESOLVE group in Ohio joined me in DC to participate in RESOLVE's Advocacy Day. It was an awesome experience. We visited our two Senator's offices and two Congressmen. Obviously, there was a lot going on that day with Health Care Reform. We were there to ask our state representatives to co-sponsor the Family Building Act of 2009 which includes infertility in insurance coverage. Even though we have stopped treatment, this cause is very important to me as we had no coverage for our IVF attempts. Hopefully, we made a difference and our voices were heard. So for all of you out there still pursuing treatments and still paying out of pocket for everything, know that we went and fought for you on The Hill!

17,608

That is how many hits we have on our online profile as of today. Kind of cool, kind of depressing since we aren't matched! These past few weeks I have definitely gotten the taste of what waiting feels like. In the span of two days last week I found out 7 people are pregnant. Lots of activity also going on with other friends that are adopting. Here I sit frustrated with our position. It seems like whenever we take a few steps forward , duty calls, and we step back a few more. Needless to say I am not looking forward to these next 6 months apart from Greg. It is so hard to keep the faith that we will be matched when it is our time. I do honestly believe that, it's just so hard with things are moving along for others.

makes me smile

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Here is a quick snapshot of a wonderful vacation!

a beautiful rose

Our family has had a rough couple of weeks with my parents car accident and the news that my grandmother had cancer. I flew down to VA Saturday morning, visited with her and my family and by Sunday morning she had passed. I am sad in many ways and for many reasons, but I am so angry at infertility and how it prevented me from having a baby while she was alive. We officially started the adoption process last year on her 85th birthday when we mailed our application off to Florida. I really really wanted her to share in the joy when we finally became a family. I never told her that we plan on using her name, Rose, as our child's middle name. I hate that I didn't say anything, actually we have kept our names to ourselves. I guess I figured she would be here to see it for herself. So Grandma, if you can read this, please know I love you very much. I know that you are with my little angel now.

parent profile

forgot to post that we are finally online! check us out

Click Here

**Update- Forgot to say that this is in addition to our that is at the agency. They started internet advertising to help speed up the process with the decline in birthmothers.

babymoon

So I have heard of people taking trips before their baby is due and calling it a "babymoon". Greg and I just returned from a cruise with our friends that we met at the adoption class. Seven days of bliss in the Caribbean! Can it get any better? I thought this trip would be our Babymoon, but it doesn't look like it was. Greg will be leaving in less than eight weeks for a six month deployment to Afghanistan. I have written to our agency and asked if they could not present us to birthmothers due while he is away. It's a tough decision to make, but we have been in this together since Day 1 and we both want to be together when we finally become a family. Luckily, with adoption we have a little bit of control over that. I'm hoping for another Babymoon in January 2010 when he returns home!

the fourth of april

Our conference was a success! The day went as smooth as it possible could and we got great reviews from our Headquarters representative! A few couples came up and personally thanked either me or Jenn and told us how much they needed what they experienced Saturday. I know all our hard work helped those that were there that day and in the end, that is what I wanted.

Personally, I was doing great all day until Jenn texted me late that night to tell me she had been thinking of my due date all day and that my angel would be proud of me. I lost it! It was the first time that day that I let myself think of our baby. And then I thought of Jenn's babies. Saturday was a gorgeous sunny day here. I know our little ones were shining down on us. If it weren't for the babies we have both lost, we would not know each other and we would never have done what we accomplished this weekend!

a bump in the road

I have been so busy that I forgot to post about the letter we received in the mail. It was from our agency. Basically it stated that with the economy there has been a decrease in adoptions. I would think the opposite, but ok. Also birthmothers are asking for more money towards expenses. Our agency recommended increasing your cap, if your budget allows. One positive thing in the letter was that they have stopped accepting applications. Good for us since we have already been waiting seven months.
I emailed our agency about another issue, and I asked her how the letter effects us personally. In reference to increasing our cap, she said we were fine. We have enough cushion in there to provide expenses. That was good to hear!
Next weekend at the conference, I have an adoption consultant coming to speak from FL. I am going to pick her brain about why the sudden decrease in birthmothers.
Our agency has also increased the amount of advertising. So we will now be featured on a national website! I will post the link on the blog once we are live.
So a little bump in the road. I really was not upset by the letter since Greg is leaving and I know our wait is going to be long no matter what now.

basic baby care

Yesterday Greg and I spent the day as students! We had signed up for a Basic Baby Care and CPR class for adoptive parents. It was so nice being able to be in a room full of couples that are adopting and not ready to pop! The woman that taught the class is an adoptive parent herself and taught and told us things that she wished she had known before her daughter came home. She refused to prepare for her child, so when they got the call that her daughter was here and ready to be brought home, she had nothing. She had not even told work that this might happen!
She asked us when the best time to prepare is and I said when you are matched. Turns out that is the worst time to prepare! She feels the best time to prepare is now. That way you are getting ready for YOUR child and not a specific one, if a match should fail. Greg however, is not ready to prepare. I think if I ease him and myself in slowly it will start to feel ok. Maybe I can get him to buy a Harley Davidson onesie this weekend!

resolve to hope

Most of you that follow this blog know that my friend Jenn and I are organizing the RESOVLE Ohio Family Building Conference in April. For the past seven months or so, this "little" conference has become our second job, to say the least. I don't know if I have ever put so much time, effort and compassion into one single event! This conference has so much meaning for me. It actually is taking place on the second anniversary of my due date. When we first booked the venue, I thought " how in the world am I going to be able to see April 4, 2009 written on everything?" Well, as the months have gone on, I have come to see it as more of a tribute and my way of giving back to a group that helped me get out of a very very sad time in my life.

More detail on our conference can be found at www.greatlakes.resolve.org. Spread the word, registration is open!

a year gone by

Greg and I just realized today that he came home a year ago tomorrow. Wow, that went fast. It's great he has been home, but in his job once the year mark hits he is available to go again. We've been sitting on pins and needles for the past month or so waiting for the word. I know it is a strong possibility that he will deploy again this summer for six months. People keep asking me what I will do about the adoption if he does go and we get a call. Will I adopt the baby with him overseas, will I turn down a match or will I take us off the list until he gets back? Honestly, I have no clue. I am trying not to think about those decisions until it becomes a reality. I just can't imagine Greg not sharing in the day we finally become parents.

stings like a bee

The past few weeks a lot of feelings and emotions have been brought back to the surface. I thought I was passed the dream and visions of being pregnant. I really never do think about it, until it slams me in the face. One of our friends is pregnant, she too suffers from infertility. However, it took them one cycle of an IUI and WHAM pregnant with triplets. I feel so many emotions. Mad, jealous, scared for them, why did it happen so fast? We dropped thousands over 5 years and are now getting ready to pay the same amount for an adoption! The one thing I don't feel is the "I will never have a baby" feeling I used to always feel. I do know we will, I do know it will happen when it is suppose to, but it still stings.

On a positive note, I took the recommendation of some friends and bought the Happiest Baby on the Block. Mom also gave me How to Raise an Amazing Child, The Montessori Way ( of course!). So those are on the shelf. Sorry, but the Twilight series has first priority!

the one resolution

I can't believe a year has passed since I made my Top 8 of 08! This New Year's was different. I actually did not feel like I was counting the seconds until it was over! I didn't feel like I just wanted it to hurry up and end! I think I might be healing?

The one resolution from last year that I did stick to was resolving our infertility. I can't express the relief and happiness knowing that I will NEVER put myself through that nightmare again. Yes, I am happy in a sense that it lead us to where we are now, but thankful that book (many chapters) is closed. Not much to report on the adoption side. We bought a new car for the new year. Years ago I bought my 4Runner with all intentions of filling it with children. You know those years when you were so naive thinking you could just get pregnant on your own! haha At least now I know I will be chauffeuring around more than just my dogs!