what now?

So our home study arrived safely in Florida! I also have two copies here for safe keeping. The question is what do we do now? I do have to mail four more copies of our profile. My goal is to get those out by the new year. I've been asking some other adoptive parents what to do during this time. Do we register? That seems weird to me. I don't want to jinx us, but then again I don't want to be totally unprepared if we have a short wait. If we have a long wait, we could be in a new house in another state when our baby comes home. I refuse to prepare a nursery or have a shower before we are matched. It's just doesn't feel right and still brings back some hard memories.
I think I have decided to just do my research on the necessary items, Greg will love looking on Consumer Reports for that stuff! We are trying to spend as much time as possible together when he is home. Our vacation is planned and booked for April! WHOA! We are finally looking forward to our family being here for Christmas.
I would love suggestions on parenting books or books for Greg that don't revolve or mention your wife during pregnancy. We need more of " this is what you do when the baby arrives." It is an exciting time, knowing that this will really happen one day. No turning back now!

now we are there

We are officially approved to adopt! The letter came in the mail today that our homestudy was approved! We are officially a waiting family!

not quite there

On Wednesday night we met with our social worker for our last home study visit! Basically, we just signed some papers, ate dinner and talked for a while. We feel so blessed to have had a wonderful home study experience! It was overwhelming at times, but in the end I actually kinda liked it! I can't say we are "certified" yet because our last reference arrived at the agency today and now she will write the final copy and send it to the agency. This agency will in turn send to the Ohio Department of Jobs and Family Services and then onto our placement agency in Florida! I'm waiting for the fee that will be tacked onto my home study having to do all this traveling. So now we wait... Luckily I am super busy with work (way more demanding than I thought it would be!) and planning the Resolve conference. Hopefully, it will make the wait go by faster! I'm very nervous for the wait and wondering how long it will be before I start to get really frustrated!

the final stretch

This time next week we will be finalizing our homestudy! Our home visit on the 19th went wonderfully! I don't think we could have asked for a better experience. We love our social worker and she made the four hours go by so quickly. At the end of Greg's interview I came down and she told me how well he did. Then she told me that we both have such a positive view on parenting that she wants to come back and be our child! That was so great to hear. We've had a long time to talk and think about how we will parent, that's for sure! So when Greg returns, we will meet her one more time to sign and be "certified" to adopt in the state of Ohio! But first I have to prove our residency for the past 3 states we have lived in! That little tidbit came up yesterday after I thought we had checked everything off the list!

prebaby photo shoot

On Saturday, Greg and I spent the morning having our portraits taken by a good friend here in Ohio. We have not had our pictures taken since our engagement photos in 2000. It was a blast! Jackie did an amazing job and we are thrilled beyond belief. Now comes the hard part of choosing! You can view some of them here or on her blog A Journey at the left of this page. Her professional website is http://www.jacquelynnbuck.com/. Check it out!!Hope you all enjoy!

a wish

Today I received a surprise package in the mail from Alisha. Inside was a beautiful card that said, " make a wish". She wrote inside that she had her mom make us this baby blanket in unisex because we don't know what awaits us. Alisha wanted us to have something tangible to know that our long awaited wish will soon be answered! So with tears running down my face, I quickly dialed to thank her. This package today reminds me how far I have come. Two years ago, I packed up all the baby items we had received and haven't been able to look at them again. Today, I am able to hang this blanket over the chair in the office (nursery) and look at it with hope. I absolutely love it, Alisha! Wish I could give you a hug in person! Thank you so much!

Remembrance Day

I feel horrible that I forgot to post yesterday about the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day on October 15th. I want all my friends that share this day with me, to know that I always think about you and your babies. If you know someone else in your life that has lost a child, let them know that you haven't forgotten. It will mean more than you will ever know.

we are fireproof!

I didn't write at all last week, but we did have a few accomplishments. On Thursday we met our social worker. It was a great meeting. We both really like her and feel very comfortable. I am not one bit nervous about her coming to the house and doing our interviews. I think it will be fine. We scheduled that visit for the 19th and then we will have one more meeting with her to sign off and we are done! Of course, we have to wait until Greg gets back in November to finish up, but that is ok. The social worker said we will be definitely finished by Thanksgiving! Our goal was to be all done by the first of the year, so we are ahead of schedule. This weekend we baby proofed the house and made sure all the outlets were covered, cabinets locked and the fire extinguisher handy! The fire inspection was today and we passed with flying colors!

our time

Let me just preface by saying these are my thoughts. I started this blog so I would have an outlet to release my feelings about all this infertility crap. It has been a year since Greg deployed. The years seem to be clicking by and we still do not have a child. The Fall is a very hard time for us even though it is our favorite time of year. October reminds us of loosing our baby and then the holidays just bring another reminder of being just the 2 of us. Lately, I have had the "last man standing" blues. Don't get me wrong, we are both so happy to be on a new journey, but it is still a journey. It still has its ups and downs like IF. It still has its "unfairness" and disappointments. My body might not be examined but now it is our life, our finances, our home etc. I feel like we are smack dab right in the middle of treatments again. It just always feels like we are the only ones without a child. It is still hard for me to be surrounded by children. It's hard for me to walk into Target and see families picking out their Halloween costumes. I think maybe the 7 hours with kids at school is enough for me. We started this 5 years ago , we are 33 years old and still nothing.

I realized this weekend..you know what? This is our time. This is our time to be couple, hang out with other couples, do what we want before a baby comes. Unlike being pregnant, we don't have 9 months to prepare ourselves, enjoy a pregnancy as husband and wife and know exactly when the baby should arrive. Who knows when our baby will come? It could be next month. I can't let myself feel bad for being selfish right now. I have spent the past years living in a fog. Now I am going to enjoy my husband before he leaves again (say your prayers it could be sooner than later) and enjoy this time as Greg and Julie. Hopefully when our child comes, we won't have any regrets for the time we spent before becoming parents.

yippee!

Our fingerprints cleared!!! Now if everything could go that fast! Is this sad that I am excited about background clearances not taking 30 days? The goal this weekend is to have all forms notarized, faxed mailed off and the fire inspection scheduled. It's been a pretty emotional past few days, but I will post my thoughts on that another time! Let's just say this perked me up a little!

checking off the list

One thing down...lots left. We got fingerprinted today. I left Greg in charge of calling the sheriff's office to find out times and price. We met there at 3:30, 15 minutes before they close. Comes to find out they only take cashier checks or money orders. NICE! Greg heard "check" and there I went with a personal check in hand. After a little squabble walking back to the car we made our way to another fingerprinting place. Ohio is back logged so now they are saying no less than 30 days for the results. Funny thing is, I have my results sitting here from my Dept. of Ed. background check! No, they don't count! One thing less to do! I hope to have lots finished before our first meeting next week.

examination

The second set of homestudy paperwork came today. I feel like we are being examined with a fine tooth comb. On my list of things to do for next week is a call to our local fire department for our house inspection. How many of you have an escape plan posted? Just one of the many ridiculous items listed!
As I was walking in the social worker was calling. She seems really nice, lives about 50 miles from here so we meet her half way for our first visit and then the next two will be at our house. I went ahead and scheduled the first visit. It will be October 9th, which is not too far away! Then I sat down and realized October 9th is the anniversary of our baby passing. Now 2 years later we are meeting for our homestudy. I can't believe it. I am happy about where we are now, but the hurt is still there. Not sure if I have shared this here or not, but I am Co-Chairing the RESOLVE Ohio Family Building Conference for 2009. We have finally set a date and wouldn't you know the only date available at the hotel is April 4th. That would be my due date. Why does everything have to fall on an anniversary? So on the 2nd anniversary of my due date I will be hosting the conference. Hopefully I will make it through the day without having a break down! I'm trying to look at it as a way to honor our child by doing something that is so important to me and has been so beneficial in my journey to build a family.

1691 and more

Today I mailed off the first of many home study forms! We had to complete Form 1691 which was basically a seven page application of who we are, where we have lived, worked and all that good stuff. There were tons of other releases and terms/conditions. Unfortunately, a little "night in jail" incident in college was brought back to the surface. I felt so embarrassed checking "yes" on the questionnaire and when I voiced that it didn't make Greg feel any better. Now I do feel bad for making him more self conscious about it. I started to feel very angry the other day, that we have to be looked over by a fine tooth comb while we are paying for an adoption. No offense to anyone out there, but when you birth a baby no one interviews you, checks your financial records, inspects your house or fingerprints you. Sometime it just seems so unfair. I am really trying to not get mad, not get frustrated or feel sorry for ourselves because I do know this has a happy ending.

double whammy

Well, just got word we were not chosen. I wasn't expecting to be, but then I got my mind wandering and was kinda hoping. So it just means that isn't our baby. Probably would have been a little too soon for us to bring a child home. However, now we have gone through the process once and know what it feels like. The waiting sucks. To top it off, in the mail was a coupon book from Huggies. I always just throw them out and have never even read the front. Well, on the front it says, " Your baby is 18 months." Thanks for the reminder of what should have been. Urgh...

small update

In between the other 8 million things I had to do today and feeling under the weather, I was able to contact our agency. The expecting birthmom has not chosen her family yet. I understand it is a huge decision and some may take a day and some weeks. Agency did say they will let us know either way. In other news, Greg has started his new job at the IG, my job is good as long as I am with the students and not the staff! I witnessed a child being hit upside the head by a teacher on Friday. I was sitting next to her talking and wham she hits this kid because he wasn't sitting still. If we didn't need the money for the adoption I would be out of there in a heart beat. If I haven't sacraficed my body enough, now my mental health!

nothing to report

Just thought I would say there is nothing to report. We haven't heard a peep. I think I will email the agency Monday and just ask if we should assume it wasn't a match. We were hoping that she would tell us either way. Not sure how long a birthmom has to decide, but I figured this one would have picked quickly since she was waiting on a gut feeling. Oh well, if it isn't a match, we are not sad. It made us get moving in the right direction. I plan on sending our application in on Monday for our homestudy. That is something I am really nervous about!

now showing

First of all I have to thank two of my friends for coming over and spending their entire night (missing out on seeing their husbands and child) to help me put together our profile book! I would still be sitting at the table in tears if I hadn't had them here. I owe you big time and if this match takes place I owe you even bigger!
Our profile was overnighted last night. It got there around 9am this morning! The caseworker took it to the birthmom sometime today. Nerves have set in, this is so wild. So much for planning and having months to prepare a letter and a book! Now we wait. I don't know how long it will be, but I'm sure she will call us either way to let us know.
So tonight is Parent Night at school, tomorrow the McCain rally and other fun things this weekend to keep us busy and our mind off of this craziness.
Our first showing! I better mark this date down! I'll keep everyone posted!

OMG! here we go.....

Today ended up being a whirlwind! I got call from the adoption agency at around 2pm and since I was in the classroom I didn't answer (boss was there). All I kept thinking was, " Please don't say our check bounced!" Well, our check cleared and there is a birthmom who is being very particular. She has looked at all the waiting families and doesn't like any of them. She keeps saying, " I will know when I see it.". So the agency is now letting her look at newbies. This means I have to whip up a profile book and have it in their hands, in Florida, by FRIDAY! I thought I was going to have months to make this thing! Instead I spent a few hours tonight writing the most important letter of our lives! I didn't receive much information, just that she meets our parameters and we meet hers. She is due Dec. 31st. Please pray for my ability to stay calm these next few days and to realize that this is a process. I pray that if this is our child, the mother will know when she sees our faces and reads our story. That is all I can hope for.

application day

Here we are, mailing off our application! We decided to go to UPS because when we first moved here we had a mailbox at this store and every time we go in we have the same girl that helps us. So we had to take a picture with our UPS Lady! I do have to point out that this day last year we got the negative result of our second IVF. Exactly one year later ( on my Grandma's 85th birthday) we started a new hopeful and exciting journey!

one smart move

When we first got married, Greg and I would make stupid uneducated decisions. After one bad car purchase, we have learned our lesson! Flying to Florida this week and doing the interviews was definitely a smart move! We interviewed three different agencies. Liked them all, but loved two of them. When we left I thought I knew which one we would choose, but my mind changed when we got down there. I was so impressed and felt very comfortable with the agency in Tampa , that we have decided to use them to grow our family! Of course each agency has pros and cons. This agency advertises a longer wait. I thought that would really bother me, but after leaving the office I started to think of that wait in a positive way. Longer time to save the cash, time to take our trip to Europe (that he has been wanting to do for years), and time for me to finish the school year without being interrupted. However, we all know that things will happen when they are suppose to happen. So today I am filling out the application, writing the first of many checks, and deciding on who will do our homestudy! We are buckled up and ready for the ride!

On another note, I just want to tell Patti, Tom and Kayla, thank you again for letting us come and go! We love you guys and value your friendship more than you know. I really hope you are still in Tampa when we finally bring home our baby!

butterflies

Greg stopped me in the room last night and said he is nervous. I thought he meant for his new job, but he was talking about our trip. It is becoming more real and I am sure when we sit and talk to these agencies it is going to be very real! No stopping now, we are packing the bags tonight and will be on our way tomorrow! I pray that we come back with a decision made and that we feel really good about it!!

all aboard!

Fertility treatments were one roller coaster; I've heard adoption is just as fun! So we are stepping up and ready to board the new roller coaster ride! Greg and I are leaving next Saturday to fly to Florida to interview a few agencies. Why Florida? Well they have some of the best adoption laws and they do out of state placements. This is very important to us, since we know we won't always live here. That way when we move we won't have to start all over with a new agency and lose the time and money spent on one here. Since Greg deployed in 2006, we have fallen in love with the Tampa area. I don't know why, it just as soon as we land there, I am happy. I've felt drawn there since then and maybe now I know why. Maybe our child is there waiting for us? At least that is what I am telling myself. I am very excited to take this step, as small as it might seem, it is the beginning of our new journey. A journey that actually has a happy ending.

expectant mother

I heard someone once say that waiting adoptive mothers are also "expectant mothers". You don't have to be pregnant to be "expecting". I am trying to see myself as this while I wait on a potential job offer. We desperately need the money to pay for the adoption expenses. Me working will make the difference in paying up front or taking out a loan. How do a tell a new employer that I really am "expecting", I just don't have a due date? I want and need the flexibility to put the quest for our child first. I pray that what is meant to be will and that things will fall into place while we are expecting!

great, i have eggs

Have you ever hoped for bad news? My test results came back from the AMH blood draw. Drum roll......2.5! Normal as normal can be!Dr. B said at .7 he would tell us to move on in another direction. 2.5???!!! This means I have eggs, they are not disappearing. I wish they were, then I would have an answer to why this is not working for us. The nurse asked if they could take our "case" to the staff meeting on the 30th and talk about it. I told her to go for it, but it doesn't change our decision to adopt. However, I am requesting genetic testing and praying that the military will pay for it. I just want to know why...maybe I should have opted for the amnio when we lost the baby. Maybe I would already have my answer?

a doula, a sorority sister and a chemist

When I lost our baby, I felt such a need for some kind of support. I guess you could say it was my lowest of lows. I found a local RESOLVE chapter and it has been my saving grace. I'm not sure what I thought I would find, maybe just some people to talk to that would truly understand my grief. This week I had time to reflect on our family building journey. Greg and I have been so blessed with good friends wherever we go. However, Ohio has blessed me with girlfriends that know, really KNOW the roller coaster that has been our life for the past 4+years. One pointed out, that who would have every thought a doula, a sorority sister, and a chemist would have anything in common! Well we do, and it is this thing called infertility. A bond, that we will always have no matter what changes may come our way.

and yes... I would be the sorority sister!

the "www again" appointment

The What Went Wrong,again, appointment was this morning. About half way there the nerves kicked in and I all of the sudden became extremely sick to my stomach to hear what he had to say. I probably could have used a xanax(usually reserved for the transfer) just for today.
I will condense the 45 minute conversation and just give you the gist. Basically, my gut was right. Although, he can't say for sure, it looks like we are dealing with an egg quality issue. Our embryos on day 2 of fertilization are 2 cells behind what they like to see. He said this is usually a predictor of a chromosome abnormality. Well this is all too familiar, since that was the likely cause of the "miscarriage". By the way, I hate that word. That is a post for another day. Anyway, I agreed to one blood test of an Anti Mullerian hormone (click here for all you researchers) that gives the doctors a good look at how many eggs I have left. He said if this number comes up in the low range he is going to tell us to stop and use donor egg or adoption. We told him we are already pursuing adoption, that the IVF's are just too taxing on us. However, I am going to get this blood work done and maybe it will give us an answer so we can close that door. I am praying the number comes out REALLY low!Dr. B also said that Greg's sperm is not the issue. He doesn't think that the sperm has enough wrong with it to cause all these problems. So here I have thought for years, that it was just morphology and now it really is me. Dr. B said that we can walk out of his office and know that we did everything we could. We have done 2 IVF's in 2 different states and had basically the same outcome. Then we discussed my cycle, or the lack thereof. He did not like what I had to say about my diminishing periods. I've been trying to tell these doctors this for 2 years now and I guess they didn't think it was a problem, maybe now they see that it is.

Fertility treatments are like crack. Not that I would know what crack is like, but they are addicting. I could feel myself getting sucked back in as the RE was talking about the next time. I thought my guard was up and I thought I would go in with a thick skin. I just really want this blood test to have the answer.

After the appointment I met a good friend for coffee. I was giving her the run down, then started to talk about adoption agencies and where we are looking etc. She stopped me and told me that my entire body language changed when I started to talk about adoption. I guess I went from uptight and dreadful to more relaxed and happy. This is the second time someone has commented on how much happier I am now, humm....

"I DO" ALL OVER AGAIN

Seven years ago I vowed to be with Julie for better or worse, sicker or poorer, till death do us part. Life has given us so many amazing things and yet the one true thing we both desire so badly continues to elude us for whatever the reason is. We always find ourselves wanting more and our journey to have our own family is one that we are still working to make a reality.

I know God only gives you as much as you can take and always has a plan for us in this universe. What I don’t know is what he wants from me and if he sees me being a father or even a good one for that matter. I cannot describe to friends and family what it feels like to watch them and how their chapters continue to grow and yet somehow I cannot offer that to my amazing bride of 7 years.

I often wonder if it is my past that for one reason or another haunts our future and maybe this is the reason why God has decided we cannot be parents or have our “own” little miracle. If I could give everything up…my job…my possessions...my health, just to make her dreams…our dreams come true.

Every husband wants to gives his wife everything she has wanted in life….in my case I have only fill the pages of the first few chapters….I pray at night when I go to sleep I can continue to write pages in this book we call life. My heart aches and my head wonders, will this be the year that Julie and I can share the most spectacular part of life? Who knows…the one thing I do know I love her with all my life and she has made me the most amazing person I could ever dreamed to be, when all others gave up on me, she was there….when I doubted myself and did’t think I could my best, she pushed me on more….when I found myself just accepting whatever comes, she tells me to strive for more.

Julie….thank you for saying, “YES” that night in New York and THANK YOU for being the most memorable, spectacular, loving, amazing part of my life. I hope one day, I can fulfill your every dream and until that day comes I will never give up trying.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY
Love Forever
Your Husband
Greg

lucky 7

Seven years ago on June 16th Greg and I were married in a little white church on Ft. Belvoir Army Post. It rained that day. However, it didn't stop us from having the best day of our lives. Who knew back then that seven years down the road we would be here. Each year in our anniversary cards we write the same thing to each other. We both say we hope that this will be the year that we build our family. For once, I feel like this really could be the year. Lucky 7? We'll see!

friend to an infertile

The following link was posted on the RESOLVE board. It is a very good read for all of you that have put up with me in my darkest hours of infertility. A lot of you took on the job of Good Friend to an Infertile and I love you for it, because GOD knows I was not always the most chipper!

Good Friend to an Infertile

it's official

It's official we are going to ADOPT!!! I just realized I had not come out and said it here on the blog. Greg and I have one more follow up with our RE next Thursday. Basically, just to hear somewhat of an answer or diagnosis. In my heart, I think I know that there is an egg quality issue, which is probably compounded with an egg producing issue also. We plan on telling our wonderful RE thank you and when we leave his office know that we won't ever be going back! Greg and I are exploring both domestic independent and agency adoptions. My gut tells me to sign on with an agency and network ourselves independently in the meantime. I am very excited to put all the drugs and procedures behind me and start a new journey where there is actually a light at the end of the tunnel!

infertility stamp

Thanks to Portugal, this is the world's first stamp to raise awareness of infertility. I loved the design, so I thought I would share.

just what the doctor ordered

I spent the weekend in Mountain Home, Idaho. Our great friends, Laurie and Keith are stationed there. Their son, Dustin graduated from high school Friday night. I needed to get away and most needed to see people who know and love us. Lately, I have been thinking about how a birthmother is going to view Greg and I. Most of you know we don't have a relationship with Greg's family. When it comes to adoption, this really worries me. However, being with Laurie and Keith and their children this weekend, just reinforced that our friends are our family. We jokingly call Dustin our godson (long story), but I truly felt like he was part of our family this weekend watching him close a chapter in his life. I hope that a birthmother will see the importance of our friends in our life.

Laurie, Keith, Dustin (you probably don't read this) and Danielle....thank you for a great, much needed, weekend. Every time I see you guys, no matter what the outside of your house looks like, the inside is always the same..it's filled with love, laughter, great food and stuff :)

the finale

It's over. I'm not pregnant. I knew last night after taking a HPT. As I was in the bathroom taking the test I peaked out the door and Greg was on his hands and knees praying. Talk about heartbreaking. I still had to go this morning and have my blood work taken just to confirm. The RE just called to give me the "bad news". We are devastated. We don't understand why this is happening to us or why we have to go through any of it. I am grieving the loss of ever having a biological child. I came so close once and I guess that is the closest I will ever get. I know we will move forward, but all I have now is over 20 bruises on my stomach, about 10 pounds to lose from all these meds and an empty bank account. I'm so sad.

the transfer

Today was the FET. Things went great! All 3 of our embryos survived the thaw and were transferred back into me at about 11:50am ( I looked at the time on the u/s machine!). Dr. G said compared to the notes from the last two transfers, this one went very smoothly. No matter what happens, we know we have done everything we possible could without sending us into bankruptcy! We had great results with the fertilization and now the thaw so I don't think we could have asked for anything more. Thanks for everyone's thoughts and prayers.

full circle

Some of you may remember that we were put on an IVF waiting list for the base program. In December 2006, they told us we were in line for November 2008. This would be the reason we jumped ship and went to a civilian doctor. The base had to cut 25 people off the list and we then moved up in line to May 2008. In the Fall, the base program was put on an indefinite hold. Well, this week will be May 2008 and our military doctor will perform the FET at my civilian doctor's office. Funny how things work out. I think we have decided that this will be our last attempt. Our friends were over yesterday with their babies and I think it just confirmed for Greg that we just want a child to raise and to finally have our own family. I won't be publicizing when the pregnancy test will be. However, when I have news to share, good or bad, I will share it when I am ready. Please just pray for our little embryos that will be defrosted on Friday!

neighborly advice

Throughout these past few years we have dealt with some really ignorant comments. One day maybe I will write a post on what not to say to someone struggling with infertility. When I was least expecting it, another piece of "advice" was thrown my way. I was outside chatting with the neighbor. Greg walks out and the neighbor starts bragging about a concert next Tuesday that Greg wants to go to. I said, "See it is on Tuesday and we have class so you can't go anyway." The neighbor than turns to me and says, " What class?". It took me about two seconds to debate in my head what to say. So I proudly say, " A class on adoption." Are you ready?? Here it comes.... "Julie, please.. you just need to work harder at it!" ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Here I am thinking that five years, 6 IUI's, 2 IVF's, a baby that died in me, and $25,000 was working hard!!! What a blow. I simply said, " Well on that note, I am leaving, Greg you can fill him in." I turned looked at Greg and went to get dinner. Granted, my neighbor has no clue what we have gone through, but why did that have to be the comment that came out?

another little miracle

Our friends Jenn and Rich welcomed their son Cameron David to the world yesterday. Jenn and I met at our first support group meeting. She and Rich have had a long road on this journey also. Cameron is the most precious thing ever and a true miracle. We love you guys and are so happy for you both! Remember, we are right across the street if you need a babysitter!

round 3

Here we go again. Had an ultrasound this morning and I am right on track, so shots start tonight. Thought I would post this picture of my FET meds. Funny thing is, this is not as many I usually have for a fresh IVF cycle!

april 4th

Today is the 1 year anniversary of my due date. I am not as sad today as I was this day last year, but my heart is still heavy. Greg and I received this poem at our adoptive parenting class on Tuesday. I thought it was somewhat appropriate for today.

Today I closed the door of the nursery
I had kept for you in my heart

I can no longer stand in its doorway.
I have waited for you there so long.
I cannot forever live on the periphery
of the dream world we share, and you
cannot enter my world.

I have fought to bring you across the
threshold of conception and birth.
I have fought time, doctors, devils and
God Almighty.
I am weary and there is no victory.

Other children may someday live in my
heart but never in your place.

I can never hold you. I can never really
let you go. But I must go on.

The unborn are forever trapped within the
Living, but it is unseemly for the Living
to be trapped forever by the unborn.

back in the game

I didn't realize how long it had been since I posted until I got two emails today from friends making sure I was ok! Greg and I have decided to proceed with our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). We are not making a big deal out of this, so if you read the blog you will know, if you don't well then you won't. A FET consists of pretty much the same protocol of an IVF, but I don't have to take the stimulate drugs and no eggs will be retrieved. I will be on the Lupron, Estrogen and Progesterone. 2 shots, 1 pill. The good news in all of this is that my base doctor has agreed to do all my monitoring, provide the meds and do the transfer ( as long as I transfer on a Friday) at my RE's office where the embryos are being stored. So we are saving almost half by using the military services. Turns out our military RE is now working at my civilian RE's on the side! How convenient for us.
During this process I have also signed us up for Adoptive Parenting Classes. Starting tomorrow for 6 weeks and they count for 12 of the 20 required education hours for adoptions in Ohio. The classes are designed for couples exploring the option of adoption. I guess you can say we are in that stage. I feel that the FET is just something that has to be completed to close that chapter of our lives. When I left the doctor on Friday with two bags of syringes I broke down crying with a revelation that I am DONE. Finished. I will do this FET and either it will work or it won't. Either way it will give us an answer on how we should proceed. I think I have finally come to a point where I can't put my body through anymore of this. Not too mention our bank account.
So that is where we are. Still alive and dealing with infertility in rainy, gloomy OHIO!

the cruise in review

Ok here goes...I decided to write this in a day by day format because there is just way too much to tell. The highlights will give you a good picture of our long awaited trip to the Mexican Riveria.

Day 1- Wednesday- San Diego- GORGEOUS! We had the best day here sightseeing all around. Ate some fish tacos, and other junk food (this is important).

Thursday- Greg wakes up at 2am with bad diarrhea. By 3 he is vomiting everything he ate the previous day. Is it food poisoning? The flu? He couldn't hold Pepto or Imodium down. Julie then starts to get diarrhea. WE both go in and out of the bathroom for the next 7 hours.Do I cancel the trip or do we get on board sick? We get on board with meds and Gatorade in hand. BAD BAD DAY!!!

Friday- During Bingo the Captain comes on to tell us our ship has a steering problem and we are going at such slow speeds that we are not going to make Acapulco or Ixtapa!! GREAT!! They will substitute for Manzanillo and Mazatlan.

Saturday- Finally getting appetites back. Now our Puerto Vallarta excursion to a private island has been cancelled due to "local logistics". Since we are arriving in PV a day early they can't take us to the island!

Sunday- at 1pm we arrive in Manzanillo. According to the ship shopper lady she says to either book an excursion or go to the spa. We take the free cruise shuttle to town. It was a DUMP. One hour and we are back on the boat.

Monday- PV- walked the boardwalk, got some nachos at Senor Frogs...finally some good food!

Tuesday- Mazatlan- another not so great place

Wednesday- Cabo- best stop of the trip- took water taxi out in some really rough water to see the arch, ate at Hard Rock and shopped. Beautiful day.

Thursday- so windy and cold couldn't lay out on the ship, had dinner at the Japanese restaurant on board. during dinner I break out into hives, welts all over my body from something I ate? $120 to see the doc on board so we say no, take benedryl and pray for the moring to come!! another BAD incident

Friday- caught early flight to DC on JetBlue (love them) and headed home!!


and that was the vacation!

back on land

We are safe in VA, but it looks like the blizzard of 2008 is going to get in our way of driving back to OH. The trip was an adventure to say the least but I will post later about that! Let's just say when I said I was praying for a safe and sunny trip I should have added HEALTHY in there!

bon voyage

We are headed out to California tomorrow and then out to sea on Thursday! I'm praying for a safe and sunny trip. I'll be back to the blogger's world soon!

reality bites

I don't really know where to start with this. I'll try to condense so the post isn't so long. My time at home was very fufilling. Probably, the first time in 4 years where I did not feel stressed about anything. Ohio equals reality. It didn't take long for the honeymoon to end and reality to sink back in. Our real estate taxes kicked in bumping up our mortgage, I filed the taxes which is just another reminder of all the money we spent last year trying to have a baby, only to have it fail. There are reminders all over this house of the last IVF cycle. Unused medication in the fridge. I can't throw $900 of medication in the trash can (literally), so there is sits in my crisper! Underneath my bathroom sink is my sharps container which consists of an old laundry detergent bottle now filled with used needles. And then there is the office. I am trying so hard to decorate it to be cheery and fun, but really I still look at it as our baby's nursery. I hate that I picked this house out when I was pregnant with all intentions of that room being for the baby. That leads me to this house. To me, this house is just a place that holds our stuff. It has never felt like home. However, it looks like this will be our "home" for at least another year. About 3 weeks before Greg returned he was propositioned with two job offers. One here, one in Florida. I'll make this short. His heart is with the one in Florida that is not guaranteed, but is his dream job. Everyone knows how much we want to move to Florida. The other job is here and he interviewed Tuesday for it and will meet with the Colonel on Monday.It is not his dream job by far, but it will lead to bigger and better things. I'll have to do another post on that topic.
I think we are both trying to adjust to being back here and not in our own little world for the past 5 months. We were able to escape reality and it was so nice. When we return from vacation I need to find my own way here. I need to do something that will make me happy and keep me busy. And maybe when I am feeling happy again I will call the doctor and plan our next steps.
Until then... we are headed to Mexico in 6 days!

together again

on the way!

Today is the day! My honey is on his way home! It could be as soon as 12 hours from now! I hope to have pictures up tomorrow!

a confession

I have to confess that I check my own blog each day just to see Greg's deployment ticker! We are down to seven days. This time next week I will be excited and anxious all wrapped up into one big ball of nerves going to pick him up! That is if all goes as planned. Right now they have no phone connection due to a broken cable somewhere in the middle east. Looks like it will be a few more days until he can call again. I have lots of reflections from this time apart, but that is a post for another day. Please keep Greg in your prayers as he travels back across the world to return home!

a little miracle

Yesterday our friends Devon and Jason welcomed baby Gabriel Phenix into their lives. I am so sad that I am not in Ohio to celebrate with them. I met Devon through my RESOLVE support group. She has suffered multiple losses, more than any human being should ever have to. Gabriel is a true miracle. We are so happy for them and can't wait to get up there and love all over him. Just looking at their picture brings tears to my eyes and solidifies that I can't live my entire life childless. Which just means that we return to Ohio, enjoy some time as Greg and Julie and then we do everything in our means to make our family. We love you Jason, Devon and little Gabe! Can't wait to see you in person!

Getting Old

My baby is 4.

The Prayer of an Airman's Wife

Greg sent me this today. As of yesterday he is the acting commander for the largest Contracting Squadron in the AOR. His commander is home for his 2 week R&R. Think he is wanting some prayers?

The Prayer of the Airman's Wife

Make clear my airman's path of victory,
That it is sure and swift.
Grant him strength of spirit and body,
That he may defeat each enemy.
Give him vision to see his duty,
That it is done as it should be.
And grant him comfort and peace,
That he may know his work is just.

But most of all, Lord, keep him safe,
That he may soon return –
To the family, country, and freedom
That his courage protects.

God bless America and
God bless my Airman!

Days!

Look at the ticker to the left..it finally says DAYS!!! We are definitely on the down slope now. I am trying not to get too excited because planes always break and replacements don't always show up on time. Lots can go wrong and push his return back. Nonetheless, I have lots of different emotions. Excited to see him again and be able to just be around him. I miss the little things like grocery shopping or even riding in the car. I would do anything right now to have a conversation longer than 15 minutes! I'm also very anxious because his return means that life has to go on. I have become extremely attached to the kids in my class. I am not looking forward to saying goodbye to their sweet faces. Greg's return also means we have to confront our infertility issues once again. UGH! It is so draining just thinking about it. We do have our 3 frozen embryos waiting for their dad to get home so they can be used. When will we do that? No clue. Might not even broadcast it. If they don't survive, BIG decisions will have to be made. Adoption or another IVF? I am trying to put it all in the back of my mind, but it is hard. We do have a fabulous trip coming up which will hopefully give us some much needed time together. 30 days and counting....

A Divorce Party?

One would think that having a party to celebrate a divorce sounds very odd. I guess when you say "divorce party" it does come off strange. Last night my friend Jen (left) hosted her first and ONLY divorce party. Just want to post a little shout out to her.

Jen, we all love you and are thrilled of how far you have come in the past two years. We are so happy that you have found yourself again and a man that completely and utterly adores you. You deserve the best! Here's to a new chapter of a brand new life for you and the kids!

Top 8 of '08

I thought I would list my top 8 resolutions for the New Year. This month marks the 4th year of our journey to have a family. Therefore, we are entering year #5. Unlike every other year I am not going to sit here and say that this will be the year I get pregnant, or this will be the year our child is born. I can't do that to myself anymore. All I know is this will be the year we make some important decisions. Greg will return and we will have a little over 12 months until he heads out again. So here is my (our) Top 8 of '08.

1. Resolve our infertility. This WILL be done, no ifs ands or buts about it!
2. Continue exercising. Complete one of the following- Breast Cancer 3 Day Walk, Air Force Relay Team Marathon,or The Marine Corp 10K.
3. Find a church we like and attend each week.
4. Travel somewhere new each month- near or far.
5. Be a good friend without internalizing some one's problems.
6. Find a job that makes me feel good.
7. Live each day like he is deploying tomorrow.
8. Write my Top 10 Life List and check off at least one!

There it is, let's see how many I can stick to!